05
Feb
10

real talk parsha: yitro [ex 18:1–20:23]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

and this week we have the two greatest contributions to mankind that jews have ever made.

what?

no, not the ten commandments and the court system.  im talking about cpt and dodging child support.

“cpt”, for those not in the know, means “colored ppl time”, but it works for any brown ethnicity, really.  that indian friend you have who NEVER gets anywhere less than half an hour late? he’s on indian ppl time.  the black history month event thats two hours late to start?  its on bpt.  that trini girl who can never seem to pull it together anywhere near the neighborhood of four hours? well, she’s a woman. but anyway.

here we have israel with an appointment to speak to GD, and what happens? they get there late. b/c they’re frigging SLEEPING. smh. and so cpt is born.

meanwhile, earlier we have jethro, of whom this portion is the namesake, show up with zipporah, gershom and eliezer. remember them? nope, neither did moses apparently.  yeah, jethro pretty much gives the ye olden days equivalent of the standard “you need to take of yo kids” speech. and sure, while i guess its technically not the “dodging” we’re used to nowadays, since moses wasn’t particularly running, think about this: jethro had to find moses…in a ginormous effing desert.

well played sir. well played.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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01
Feb
10

real talk parsha: beshalach [ex 13:17–15:26]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

manishtana fact no. 11: im a big fan of aquaman.

not so much the costume but the character. i think he’s highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential b/c its easier to write him off as a third string character. but the dude is the king arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish…of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesnt really work so much in real life. fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. thats why they die if you put too much food in the water: theyve literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. so with a power to command fish you’d really end up getting nowhere:

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: you! fish! come here!

fish: sure!

aquaman: black manta has a bomb. i need you to–

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: yes, hi, great. look, you’re gonna have to swim down to the–

fish: oh wow! hi aquaman!

aquaman: ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

fish: sure thing aquaman!

aquaman: good. now the fuse line is–

fish: hi aquaman!

see? kind of a useless power. the kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the jewish people:

israel: yay! 10 plagues! you rock moses!

moses: great! but lets hurry cuz egypt is on our backs right now.

israel: what? why is egypt trying to kill us? why dont you ever do anything GOOD for us moses? we hate you!

moses: uh, what? ok, nevermind. quick into the sea that’s splitting over here!

israel: excellent! moses you’re the best!

moses: um…thank yo–

israel: hey you got any water?

moses: not…not on me right now, n–

israel: you suck moses! i dont know we ever listened to you!

moses: what the f…*ahem*…ok look, i threw some wood into this pond here. drink.

israel: dude! thats why you’re the man moses!

moses: are you…are you guys really okay? cuz it–

israel: OMG moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

moses: how are you even—

israel: ooh! quails!

moses: okay, im really not–

israel: seriously moses, we’re HUNGRY!

moses: you cant be ser–

israel: ooh! manna!

moses: honestly, this is just ridic–

israel: got any water moses?

moses: but you just HAD–

[punches a rock]

moses: HERE! here’s ur water!

israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: heeeey moses…can i talk to you over here?

moses: sure

Gd: yeah…im gonna need you to not do that again.

moses: no problem

Gd: good. cuz, like, i will srsly kill you if you do that again.

moses: never happen again

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

01
Feb
10

real talk parsha: bo [ex 10:1–13:16]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so, after pharaoh’s back and forth yo-yo game with moses, egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including death of the firstborn.  not sure if anyone realizes, but death of the firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. and i say this not b/c of the obvious “death” part [or b/c im a firstborn myself--shout-out to all my erev pesach siyum heads] but b/c death of the firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[audience applause]

maury: welcome back. now this is imhotep and anck-su-namun. imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son mathayus may be child of another man.  but his wife anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little mathayus is his.  let’s hear your side of the story imhotep.

imhotep: see, im an overseer, right? i spent a lot of time out of the house whipping hebrew slaves.  its my job, yknow? im just tryna take of my family, so im out of the house a lot.  then moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there’s nothing for the slaves to do and im out of a job. so i come home early and i see this ardeth bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

anck-su-namun: oh you STILL on that? it aint even like that. you just need to care of yo responsibilities. this is YO child!

[audience applause]

imhotep: whatever! whatever! you dont KNOW me!

maury: so imhotep, look at little mathayus there.

[picture of mathayus appears on screen]

[audiences "awww"s]

maury: why would anyone wanna deny that child?

imhotep: well, see, i THOUGHT he was my son.  but then i come home after that whole death of the firstborn plague? and mathayus is still alive. what the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

anck-su-namun: look, i dont even know why we here. i told you horus was watching over him.

imhotep: plz, thats that [bleep].

maury: well ive got the paternity test results right here and we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

[audience applause]

maury: imhotep…in the case of  3 yr old mathayus…you are NOT the father!

[imhotep jumps up, anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

imhotep: i TOLD you! i TOLD you!

see? keeps on giving.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

22
Jan
10

real talk parsha: va’era [ex 6:2–9:35]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

i gotta tell you: pharaoh is prolly the worst person in the world to order lunch with. or do anything with really.  so moses comes and is like “dude, im gonna hit you with blood.” pharoah’s like “bet”. moses hits him with blood. pharaoh’s all like “whoooa, this ish is real! make it stop and imma let ur people go.” moses makes the blood go away. pharoah’s like “nahh, not really though.”

now take this and rinse, lather, and repeat for frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, and jonas brothers.  if this is how annoyingly indecisive he was with the craziest supernatural bad mojo known to man happening to him, imagine how maddening he would be to deal with for something as mundane as, oh, ordering a pizza with friends or something:

imhotep: yo pharaoh, we’re ordering pizza. you in?

pharaoh: sure. lemme get some pineapples on my side.

anck-su-namun: that’s sounds good. ill get pineapple too.

pharaoh: pineapple? i want extra cheese.

anck-su-namun: but you just said pineapple

pharaoh: yeah, well, i changed my mind.

imhotep: and here we go. you always do this!

pharaoh: do what?

imhotep: every four seconds with you you’re changing your mind.  the hell man?

anck-su-namun: and before the food even get here lemme tell you: yes. i want ALL of my food. not some of it. im not gonna eat the pizza and fries and you take the soda. i am eating it ALL.

pharaoh: so what do i get out of this then?

anck-su-namun: what do you get out of not trying to get some of my food? you get me not kicking your ass. does that work for you? not getting your ass kicked?

imhotep: ok, look, lets not even get into that right now. the total is $27.85, so that’s like $9.30 a person.

pharaoh: well i don’t have anything on me right now, but if you pay for it for me, ill promise to pay you back

imhotep:…right. just like you promised i could borrow that black eye peas album if i helped you move, right? but then i did it, and you were like you changed your mind?

pharaoh: i don’t know what ur talking about

imhotep: you don’t know what i’m talking about.

pharaoh: i don’t know what ur talking about

anck-su-namun: hey, how bout if you shut up i promise to not kick your ass, but then i kick it anyway?

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

10
Jan
10

link love

so. im busy a lot, and i get a lot of article notifications that i’d LOVE to blog about. however, see the aformentioned “im busy alot comment”. so, taking a page from aliza hausman, i introduce “link love”, where ill be just posting articles up here just to get the word out. if i get to blog about them i will, if not, at least you guys get to see the source material.

today’s particular link is directed at the ppl who took offense to my mere suggestion that jocs should feel free to criticize israel if they so feel without being held hostage by their ethnicity. so to all those saying that ethiopians are treated “just fine” and “accepted” in israel and that racism is an “american” judaism problem or that there is no institutionalized racism in judaism, take a gander:

Israel’s treatment of Ethiopians ‘racist’ | Abesha Bunna Bet

feel free to get back to me when ur done.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

08
Jan
10

real talk parsha: shemot [ex 1:1–6:1]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

alright, step up folks, come one, come all, to the beginning of the book of the bible most notorious for spawning horribly realized film adaptations.

yep, you know its true.  even demille’s “ten commandments”–clearly the best of the bunch–cant seem to get it all right. [aside, of course, from casting vincent price as "nameless egyptian overseer who inaccurately whips joshua for some reason", when he wouldve been better served as "abiram" to edward g robinson's "dathan".]

anyhoo, its maddening b/c the material IS ALL RIGHT THERE! all you have to do is pretty much scribble “enter moses, stage right” in the margins of the page and BAM!, youve got ur script. but no, hollywood always has to screw things up to add “spice” like:

1-putting moses in line for the throne. what? where did you even read that? pharoah didnt adopt moses.  pharoah’s daughter did. in a society where inheritance lines are male oriented, how would he even be in line?

2-not making him 80. even tho it clearly says that moses was 80. [ex 7:7. sure thats a lil bit ahead, but whatever]. movies seem to insist on either having him be some youngish rebel [prince of egypt, the atrocious "moses" mini series on abc] or they have him be young, trip out on some shrooms while talking to the burning bush, and come down randomly old [ten commandments].

3-having him be former besties with the future pharoah as a youngun, thereby putting them in conflict when moses comes to free his ppl. this is kind of an offshoot of the “he’s 80″ problem. even moses WAS besties with the soon-to-be pharoah, said pharoah was long gone by the time moses came back nearly SIXTY years later.

4-moses talks to pharaoh. like, the entire burning bush episode is about how moses DOESNT talk to pharoah. the entire POINT of aaron coming along is to talk to pharoah FOR moses. SO WHY DOES EVERY MOVIE HAVE MOSES TALKING TO PHAROAH WHILE AARON JUST STANDS THERE AS A PROP MAN??

5-miriam never seems to exist. her whole deal is the song of the sea and, yknow, THE WELL OF MIRIAM. not only have i never seen miriam show up for the sea song [except for prince of egypt] but ive also never seen her well.

cmon ppl. get it together.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

01
Jan
10

real talk parsha: vayechi [gen 47:28–50:26]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of genesis and jacob says goodbye to his sons. but first, jacob–being the excellent practical joker that he is–decides to give joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing joseph’s sons, placing his right hand on ephraim, the younger, and his left on manasseh, the older. jacob, u sir, are a riot:

joseph: um, dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

jacob: i know.

joseph: then why did you switch h–

jacob: oh, i like ephraim more.

joseph: you…

[joseph has mild panic attack.]

joseph: you LIKE ephraim more…but…

jacob: actually, look in that closet over there? ive got this GREAT coat id think he’d like.

[joseph starts hyperventilating.]

joseph: but with the slavery…and the…

jacob: no its cool. i just think th–BWAHAHAHA…

[jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. joseph faints.]

jacob: oh gosh…i almost had it there…whoo…if i could see the look on your face…

anyhoo, after that jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when zordon bestows the zords on the mighty morphin power rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of “genesis” is brought to close with joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of egypt and back to israel.

chazak chazak v’nitchazek

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

so speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of genesis and jacob says goodbye to his sons. but first, jacob–being the excellent practical joker that he is–decides to give joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing joseph’s sons, placing his right hand on ephraim, the younger, and his left on manasseh, the older. jacob, ur sir, are a riot:

joseph: um, dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

jacob: i know.

joseph: then why did you switch h–

jacob: oh, i like ephraim more.

joseph: you…

[joseph has mild panic attack.]

joseph: you LIKE ephraim more…but…

jacob: actually, look in that closet over there? ive got this GREAT coat id think he’d like.

[joseph starts hyperventilating.]

joseph: but with the slavery…and the…

jacob: no its cool. i just think th–BWAHAHAHA…

[jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. joseph faints.]

jacob: oh gosh…i almost had it there…whoo…if i could see the look on your face…

anyhoo, after that jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when zordon bestows the zords on the mighty morphin power rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of “genesis” is brought to close with joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of egypt and back to israel.

chazak chazak v’nitchazek

01
Jan
10

real talk parsha: vayigash [gen 44:18–47:27]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

previously on “joseph: the series”…

joseph: no! don’t sell me!

judah: sell him.

*****

jacob: my son! my son is gone!

reuben: i TOLD you guys not to sell him!

*****

potiphar: welcome to egypt, joseph. i appoint you head of my household affairs.

*****

potiphar: throw him in jail!

****

butler: great pharoah, while in jail i came across this hebrew youth who could interpret dreams with startling accuracy.

pharaoh: then bring him forward!

*****

pharoah: i crown you viceroy, joseph

*****

jacob: why are you sitting here? we need food! go to egypt and get some!

****

joseph: you are all spies!

brothers: no we’re not! we’re just here to buy food and looking for a brother we lost.

****

joseph: dont come before me again without your youngest brother!

****

jacob: no! i wont let you take benjamin too!

judah: father i will PERSONALLY guarantee benjamin’s safety.

****

joseph: my stolen cup was found in benjamin’s sack. he will stay here as my slave.

****

and now, the conclusion of “joseph: the series.”

so after last week’s cliffhanger ending, judah steps up and…well pretty much says everything i just said. joseph finally breaks down [or has a schizophrenic episode. either one] and reveals himself to his brothers. according to the midrash, quite literally. [ie, his circumcision, which weren't all the rage back in the day. the midrash says a lot of things about this episode, actually. like how judah and the brothers went all justice league when joseph was refusing to let benjamin go, with sonic screams and bleeding tears and running around egypt with super speed and iron hair. true story.]. at any rate, joseph sends his bros back home to tell jacob and to bring everyone down to egypt so he can take care of them for the rest of the famine.

so after this entire ordeal, theres a happy reunion, tears are shed, and jacob meets pharoah. pharoah asks how old he is, [probably impressed that jacob strolls into town with twelve kids from four different women and 70 descendants total] to which jacob says 130 and that those years have been short and evil. then he blesses pharoah and bounces.

wow.

can you imagine that?

pharoah: dude, you stroll up in here with SEVENTY heads? how old are you playa playa?

jacob: [sigh] oh…yeah…130…had four wives…12 kids…tons of wealth…cattle….fought an angel…[sigh]…miserable life really…but, hey, i totally wish you luck on this whole ruling the known world thing. go do you.

[shakes head]

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

21
Dec
09

Zip A Dee Do Dah…

with “the princess and the frog” disney has finally given the public its first african-american princess.

joy. rapture.

im sorry, was that not enthusiastic enough for you? [shrug] im just tired of society patting ppl on the back and praising them for making sputtering attempts at humanity and being touted as making progress. especially when it has been proven that said person/entity can do better.

lets just look at “frog” for a second. why is she the only disney princess with an accent? mulan didnt have one. pocahontas didnt have one. belle is french. she didnt have one. cinderella is german. she didnt have one. jasmine is from some amorphous pseudo-middle eastern kingdom. she didnt have one. so not sure whats going on there.

also, she’s not a princess. she’s just a random girl in new orleans who marries rich.  in fact, she’s just a glorified maid. i suppose everyone now will say “no she’s a cook! and wasnt cinderella a maid? there was no problem THERE.” um no, cinderella wasnt a “maid”. one, she was from the aristocracy [her family got invited to the royal ball, remember?] two, she technically legally owned the house she was a “maid” in. she just happened to have some f*cked up relatives. neither is the case for tiana [that's our princess' name, btw].

really disney? thats the best you can give us? a random spunky new orleans chef girl? when everyone else has gotten a genuine princess? [with the exceptions of mulan and pocahontas, which are historical tales]. there arent any african fairy tales you couldve adapted ala aladdin? you couldnt have made up a kingdom [like you did with agrabah] or a completely new story [like you did with lion king]? nope, sorry black ppl. you get random new orleans chef girl.

also, sure, yay great, we have an african american “princess”….soooo…how long till we get an african american prince?  or do we not rank as prince material? is that what this movie is saying? that sure black women can achieve their dreams and become princesses, but black men cant?  that to succeed you need to leave your race behind? [after all tiana's parents are both black, and sure they're happy, but they dont seem to have "made it" or escaped their circumstances right?] also, the prince dude naveen isnt “white” or “creole” or anything [which would make sense seeing as how they're in new orleans and all]. he’s whatever the fictional ethnicity is in the fictional country of maldonia. so forget a black prince existing for black women, real princes PERIOD dont exist for black women.

third, disney made a “mistake” here that they clearly know how to avoid since they did it in aladdin. see, in aladdin, there are no such things as “arab” stereotypes, b/c everyone is arabic. sure there’s the stock “cutthroat arab” character, but next to him is the very heroic and also very arabic aladdin. so instead of being the “cutthroat arab” the character becomes just the “cutthroat character”. in “princess” the villian is the big bad voodoo black dude. who tiana and naveen have to fight together. so listen little black girls, to save the day and accomplish ur dreams, ur gonna have to beat down black guys, most often teaming up with non-black guys to do so, b/c non-black guys are good, and black guys are evil.

i suppose now ppl will start saying “why are you projecting all these ideas of race onto the little kids that are watching this movie? little kids dont see race! theyre just watching a movie!” true. kids dont think about race. because this is the age that theyre LEARNING about it. much like the reason why you plunk these same kids in front of sesame street to learn their numbers and alphabet. they dont turn their learning switch off just b/c theyre watching a non-educational cartoon. or do you really think that issues of self-esteem and self-perception occur b/c one day someone says “ok. right now im gonna sit down and consciously absorb the concept of race and race relations.”

please stop being so disingenuous. or at the very least, if ur one of the women praising “princess” for raising the self-esteem and image of black girls and how it can do no wrong, please do not be the same women who lament and decry the lack of “good” black men.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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21
Dec
09

“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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