Tonight at 8

so this is a lil bit quicker than id thought, but the first of new changes coming to the blog is already up and running: the MaNishtanaTV channel over at youtube. the stuff there will be generally more lighthearted in tone than whats here at manishtana central [lol. "manishtana central"] but it should still be some pretty juicy stuff. the first vid is up [i personally think its kinda "meh". im sure you will too] but things should only get better as we go along. lemme know if there’s anything you wanna see on it. anyhoo, let the games begin.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

As Seen On TV!

so im in the editing room, editing some blog footage of mine with a friend. some white dude sees the text “manishtana” next to this black dude on screen [me]. you know the kind of white dude. the [secular, jewish] kind whose ears perk up when hebrew terms find themselves inappropriately leaving ethnic mouths, so they feel the need to investigate on behalf of the jewish people as compensation perhaps for being religiously lax in their own lives.

anyhoo, he asks what the footage is about since he sees me in it wearing–and i quote–”what is called a yarmulke in my world.” now im incognito at the time ["incognito" meaning i like fedoras, so i was wearing one and not particularly feeling like taking it off to prove i was jew-flagging], so i just play the rough cut of the vid, since a simple viewing of it would answers his questions.  of course, his moment of clarity was not exactly how i expected:

“ah, i see. the character is jewish.”

[headdesk]

couldnt have MADE that up.

oh, yes, MaNishtanaTV is coming ppl. b/c print is becoming increasingly inadequate to berate ppl via.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

In The Words Of Bryan Adams…

…please forgive me.

i realize that as a blogger i know have the infinite resources to offend exponentially more ppl than i couldve ever hoped for as i private individual. score.  so i apologize if ive offended you or if my words have lead to some misunderstanding.  not that im reneging on anything that ive said.  if you cant see the truth behind the ideas ive presented, well, im sorry for that too.

have an easy fast.

gmar chatima tova

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

Urban Parsha Ha’azinu [deut 32:1-52]

“urban parsha“.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so moses began his song, which sounded suspiciously like its beat was sampled from “i’m on a boat”:

Send “Haazinu” Ringtones to Cell
Moses ft T-Pain
[Intro (T-Pain)]
(Shortayyyy) Aww yeah
Getcha ears ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Miriam and Israel y’all had y’all chance (yeah)
But now its time for me to step up here
I’m runnin this, let’s go

[Chorus (T-Pain)]
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
Everyone listen to me cause I’m singin my new song (singin my new song)
I wrote a song (I wrote a song)
I wrote a song
Take a good hard listen to the motherf****n song (song, yeah)

[The Lonely Island (T-Pain)]
I wrote a song motherf***r take a listen here
Heaven, Earth, take a seat and gimme your ear
Like rain and dew I’m flowin and I can’t go wrong
You can’t stop me motherf***r cuz I wrote a song

G is perfect, y’all (y’all) G is faithful, trick (trick)
You all crooked like a wack-looking broken stick (stick)
He set them nations up, gave them they own land
But you special Israel, so he keep you in his hand

He found you in the desert, kept you fed and ish
Got you the manna, that fulfilled your e’ery wish
But listen up now, that’s as real as it gets
I wrote this song motherf***r, don’t you ever forget

Had y’all all regal, on his back like an eagle
But y’all wanted to bail and go and mingle
G’s the king of the world, but y’all went and kicked him
Running after new g’s like y’all aint picked him
{Shut the f**k up, this song is REAL!!!}

F**k swords, he’ll send plague, motherf***r (motherf***r)
F**k men, he’ll send beasts, motherf***r (motherf***r)
He’ll send nations unleashed, motherf***r (yeah)
Y’all wish y’all were deceased, motherf***r

Hey y’all, if you could see y’all now (see y’all now)
Arms spread wide praying to a cow (to a cow)
G’s the only g, to this I avow (I avow)
Anyone one next him, that is just impossible

[T-Pain]
Yeah, don’t worry y’all I’ll still have ya backs
When y’all captors get too hard with the smacks (yeah)
Believe and pray to me, oh (all hands up high)
They’ll never think they’d see the day
When the big G comin they way
Believe me when I say, I’ll blow them away

[Chorus]

[T-Pain]
Whoahhh
Sha-sha-shorty, shorty
Yeah yeah yeahhh

Send “Haazinu” Ringtones to Cell

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid...

...as for "urban parsha"...hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

The Hellfire Club

kiddish clubs.what better time to discuss them than shabbat shuva. because theyre a problem.

i mean, yeah, its totally fab that you guys like each other so much that you need to go get a drink together on shabbat. in the middle of davening. [yes, the haftorah counts. if it didnt, we wouldnt do it, now would we?]. so congrats on having the kind of friendships that bards will speak of long after man has forgotten how to love. but see, the thing is that knesset/shul isnt a lodge or a social club. we’re kinda there to daven. and by “kinda“, i mean “completely“.

i mean, look,

1-aside the fact that youre ruining your own kavanna by going out to drink, youre also pissing the crap out of everyone else who isnt going b/c they dont approve and ruining their kavanna too.good job. jerks.

2-as the shulchan aruch and other sources state, one cannot eat–sorry–it is forbidden to eat before having kiddush. additionally, one may not even drink water after shacharit before reciting kiddush. and i doubt any of you guys are saying kiddush when youre knocking back your jack walker. [no thats not a typo.  ive known him long enough to call him jack. ive earned it].and i said “kiddush” not “borei pri hagafen“. that means im tashiv, vshamru, and zachor. the whole shebang.

3-so how stoked do you think Hashem is when you guys pour out of the room, completely ignore the haftorah, and come back full of alcohol? oh, its just one drink, you say? could you pass a breathalyzer? no? oh, then im sure its totally ok that even though you couldnt legally drive a car in your state, youre perfectly capable of, yknow, proceeding TO TALK TO GD. just saying.

but y’know what, never mind. im sure im overreacting and being oversensitive. after all, the first kiddish club went so well. remember that one? with those guys…what were their names…oh yeah!

nadav and avihu.

gmar chatima tova

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

its been a lil while, hasnt it?

my rosh hashana [or "roha" as has been coined by ms fish] was a lot better than last years lackluster performance [by me].  its just that 5768 was so dismal and miserable that i just didnt really care. i could just imagine Hashem rolling his eyes and going, “yeah….so im just gonna give you a pass on this one cuz i’m in a really really good mood. but dont bring that ish over here next year.”  when i stumbled out the other side of 5769 i was pretty much in a “so now what?” frame of mind. no real direction or desire or much of anything, really. just…bleh…

this roha however was really productive for me [i think]. 5769 didnt suck as much and id like to think it was b/c of all the rekindled friendships and the newly born ones, and especially the flock of jocs ive gained this year. after all, this year did see me at my first joc brit were i wasnt the one onstage or related to anyone who was. heck i even finished things: a blog, a twitter, a fan page, two screenplays, one of which is registered with wgae and is currently in pre-pre-production [dont laugh, thats an actual term. lol]. in other words, iy”h, im really looking forward to 5770 and getting things done.

and now for some bad news:

ill be ending “urban parsha“.  i know, i know, dont cry. c’mon now honestly 1-its pretty much a one-trick pony and 2-i think its mentally devolving me.  last week i was halfway done with the beracha before i realized i had iced-out the collar on my tallit and was saying kiddush on a 40 of st. ives. 

but have no fear! even though “urban parsha” will come to an end, ill be replacing it with “real talk parsha“. “real talk” is pretty much the same premise, but in real live english and has a lot more directions to go in and will be more accessible to my not-jews ppl. or “news“, if you will.  also, ill be putting it up on thursdays instead of fridays since the winter is upon us and we’ll barely have time to shower whilst simultaneously lighting candles, let alone logging on to read a blog.

additionally, ill be figuring out how to really use this twitter thing. it seems like im only on it to say when a new blog is up, so ill trying to figure out how to be more…engaging i guess.

anyhoo. that is all. as you were.

gmar chatima tova

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

Madam I’m Adam

seeing as how there’s no parsha read this week and thus no “urban parsha” i figured i’d put up something resembling an actual an actual dvar torah…are you breathing again yet?…alright then.  it’s up a lil bit early b/c if you or ur family are anything like mine, you’ll be far too busy running around like chickens with no heads to read this on friday.  anyhoo.

im a writer and as such i feel disposed to the world of subtext, connotations, implications, and especially wordplay.  judaism is no stranger to any of these, with its wide and varied use of gematrias, anagrams, and shoreshes/roots.  i find it odd, however, that i cant recall any such drasha employing any of these towards the upcoming period [or at least, not in the way that i am about to].  so here for your humble approval, i submit my observations.

this coming rosh hashana marks not only the beginning of the new year, but also of the aseret yimei teshuva/ten days of repentance, the abbreviation of which being  עשי”ת . removing the quotations marks we are left with עשית, a perfect conjugation of the verb , לעשות—to do—into singular male or female past tense, and a hint as to what it is we are contemplating these ten days: the things that “you” [we] “have done”.

and what is it that we have done?

one of the most commonly used words for “sin” is חטא , which forms the root for the verb להחטיא—to miss.  that is what we are meant to ponder during these days: how our deeds have “missed”, or caused us to “miss”, the proper “mark” of torah and mitzvot. [interestingly enough the word for “mark” or “target” is מטרה, oddly similar to  מטר—rain, something which the torah is compared to several times in tanach.]

so then how is it that we might remedy our past deeds, our sins?  the answer starts with rosh hashana. the word שנה—year—is the root for the verb  לשנות—to change. it isn’t enough merely think about what it is we’ve done, we must take action and change it.  the ten days, with their underlying root of עשה, is the time to actively undertake or “do” these changes to our deeds, our thoughts, our personalities.

if we are successful, we see the culmination on yom kippur. the root of “kippur”— כפר —is also present in the words for “frost”— כפור —and in the words in parshat noach 6:14 describe the act of covering—כפרת —  and the material to cover with— כפר .  our success in changing our formerly less than pristine ways should result in us being protected or “covered” from the harsh judgment that our former deeds may well deserve, with our newfound cleanliness and purity that is as white as “frost” .

shana tova.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

5769 Pickup

hey kids, the month of elul is here!  it’s time to talk about how the “king is in the field” and how now is a great time to offer supplications and better our act and come closer to Hashem and…what?  whats that look for?….ohhh, i get it. what am i talking about, right? i mean, elul is supposed to be the beginning of the 40 day period of cleansing and purification that culminates with yom kippur, but its waaay too late to tell ppl about those 40 days now.

 it’s also too late to tell ppl to prepare for the last shabbat of the old year which has the power to rectify all past shabbats.

heck, it’s even too late to tell ppl about slichot week. i mean, two days have passed already.

so really, whats the point about choosing now to talk about elul with rosh hashana less than a week away? elul is pretty much done.

and thats my point.

that it isnt too late. that it never is. the teshuva bus is still at the bus stop and accepting passengers. and hey, you may not get the seat you wanted, but you can still get on until rosh hashana comes around. [and besides, it'll be stuck at the light for another ten days after that, so if you're lucky you still might be able to get on].

its not important that you use all the days of elul, but that you make the most of the days of elul that you do use. after all, do you really think 29 days of elul in lackluster acknowledgment trumps two or three elul days of actual genuine introspection? not really.

so forget that you’ve missed more than half the month, dont wallow and drown in all the horrible things you might’ve done during the year and definitely dont think you’ve been so far gone this past year that whats the point. its not rosh hashana yet, and more importantly, you’re not dead yet.

so lets go.

and on a note for everyone else who’s been on the elul ball and may be feeling a little bit cocky as they look at the late-comers and stragglers, think about this: chazal say that in elul, Hashem is close to us as if a king were walking through his field and easily accessible to the peasants [or to use a modern analogy, the ceo is wandering the cubicles, accesible to all his employees].  if our prayers and supplications are that much closer during this time, how much moreso noticeable are the transgressions we might’ve committed during this time?

perhaps we all might be needing to play catch up in these last few days.

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

Gestapo Correctness

so i decided id start the week off with a bang.

when did intraracial relationships become a crime? [incidentally, according to dictionary and webster.com “intraracial” isn’t a word].  the reverse racism reaction to the explicit anti-miscegenation laws of the jim crow era seems to be the implicit “miscegenation mandate” of our generation.  apparently freedom of choice is never hard to abolish.

there’s the “dear abby”-like carolyn hax, who flat out declares a white girl who “prefers to date white guys” to be a racist. [check it out here]. um, huh? when did having personal preferences start translating into being racist?  following this logic, are all gay men misogynists because they prefer—in fact, only—date men?  are all lesbians now misandrists [thats someone who hates men, kids] because they refuse to date anything other than a woman?  when did the fairly benign “i like to date tall guys” attitude explode into full-blown klan-itis when the statement is “i like to date [insert own race here]”.

the once refreshing mist of political correctness seems to be curdling into an asphyxiating smog of reverse-intolerance.

however, i am curious as to how this girl relayed her preference information to her friends.  if it was “i don’t date black guys” then yes, carolyn hax was dead-on. chick’s a racist. but if it actually was “i prefer to date white guys” then no, she just has a preference. there’s a difference between “im for x” and “im against y”. the outcomes might be the same, but as my budding philosopher friend keeps drilling into my head, its all about intent.

for example.  if there was a bill being proposed that would ban abortion across the country, id vote against it. why? not because im particularly for abortion [i find its used far too frivolously nowadays. like it’s a birth control pill or something] but b/c im against any government having the power to tell someone what they can or cannot do with their own bodies. but in the end i end up voting against an abortion bill the same way as some chick who is deathly afraid of condoms, birth control, and plan b, but insists on using her hoop earrings as ankle holders every friday night.

see the difference? same deal with race and relationships.

just b/c “white guy a” doesn’t date indian women isn’t necessarily b/c he’s thinking “indian girls are [insert a ton of negative qualities here]”. it could just as easily be b/c he thinks “white girls are cool”. although dont get me wrong, the first option is still possible.  racism kicks in when a person has a list of abstract qualities desired in a partner which don’t inherently include a need for an ethnic or cultural homogeneousness, yet they turn away a potential partner from another race solely based on the other person’s race and not their own personal preference.

for example, ive found attractive and been attracted to pretty much everything under the sun, some more or less than others. [btw, there is a difference between “finding attractive” and “being attracted to”. “finding attractive” means you just want each other’s fun parts to meet each other.  “being attracted to” means you can see yourself in relationship with this person. in concurrence with frequent meeting of said fun parts.] however, i seek relationships with black women b/c of the familiarity, the desire to come home to someone who “gets” what im complaining about, to be with someone how intimately understands who prejudiced this country can be, etc, etc.  these are things i cant achieve [maybe partially, but not completely] with, say, a korean girl. so i don’t date korean girls.  not b/c korean girls are particularly horrible. [except for you, gae].

in the end, however, this creeping culture of not being allowed to [non-racistly, of course] state your preferences and what you want to go home to is dangerous, oppressive, and ironically strips away the very freedom of choice that interracial relationships are a symbol of.  neither inter nor intra-racial relationships are for everyone. and as for those ppl who are genuinely racist, i say leave them be.  why force them into an interracial relationship and inflict their unsuspecting partner to a prison term of racial fetishism and superficial “love“?

does that sound very fair?

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

Urban Parsha Nitzavim-Vayelech [deut 29:9-31:30]

“urban parsha”.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and G said “my word is my bond. i had abraham, isaac, and jacob’s backs cuz we was boys. and now im sayin the same thing to y’all. you roll with me and i got you. but you run with some next g dudes, and we got problems. now y’all heard how imma go in on y’all if y’all try to punk me. but if y’all wanna bounce back and get ya mind right, i’m feeling that. y’all just gotta respect the game and do the damn thing. im not tryna make this hard for y’all, so don’t be on that ‘its too far for us. we need a dollar cab and ish’ tip. cuz, real talk? everything i told y’all is right up on you. y’all don’t gotta look for it.”

and moses said to joshua “im like a hunnit twenny, man. you takin over. you gonna be the one bringing the jew crew through, na mean? so when you roll out, put ya game face on and be about it. you do that and G got ya back. now get over here and hold this blessing real quick.”

and moses said  to israel “i need y’all to spit this piece right here like every seven years, aight?  and e’erybody gotta come through, cuz y’all need to check yourselves sometimes and be reminded how G does.  in fact, hold up.  lemme break y’all off with this freestyle one time.”

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid...

...as for "urban parsha"...hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!