Zip A Dee Do Dah…

with “the princess and the frog” disney has finally given the public its first african-american princess.

joy. rapture.

im sorry, was that not enthusiastic enough for you? [shrug] im just tired of society patting ppl on the back and praising them for making sputtering attempts at humanity and being touted as making progress. especially when it has been proven that said person/entity can do better.

lets just look at “frog” for a second. why is she the only disney princess with an accent? mulan didnt have one. pocahontas didnt have one. belle is french. she didnt have one. cinderella is german. she didnt have one. jasmine is from some amorphous pseudo-middle eastern kingdom. she didnt have one. so not sure whats going on there.

also, she’s not a princess. she’s just a random girl in new orleans who marries rich.  in fact, she’s just a glorified maid. i suppose everyone now will say “no she’s a cook! and wasnt cinderella a maid? there was no problem THERE.” um no, cinderella wasnt a “maid”. one, she was from the aristocracy [her family got invited to the royal ball, remember?] two, she technically legally owned the house she was a “maid” in. she just happened to have some f*cked up relatives. neither is the case for tiana [that's our princess' name, btw].

really disney? thats the best you can give us? a random spunky new orleans chef girl? when everyone else has gotten a genuine princess? [with the exceptions of mulan and pocahontas, which are historical tales]. there arent any african fairy tales you couldve adapted ala aladdin? you couldnt have made up a kingdom [like you did with agrabah] or a completely new story [like you did with lion king]? nope, sorry black ppl. you get random new orleans chef girl.

also, sure, yay great, we have an african american “princess”….soooo…how long till we get an african american prince?  or do we not rank as prince material? is that what this movie is saying? that sure black women can achieve their dreams and become princesses, but black men cant?  that to succeed you need to leave your race behind? [after all tiana's parents are both black, and sure they're happy, but they dont seem to have "made it" or escaped their circumstances right?] also, the prince dude naveen isnt “white” or “creole” or anything [which would make sense seeing as how they're in new orleans and all]. he’s whatever the fictional ethnicity is in the fictional country of maldonia. so forget a black prince existing for black women, real princes PERIOD dont exist for black women.

third, disney made a “mistake” here that they clearly know how to avoid since they did it in aladdin. see, in aladdin, there are no such things as “arab” stereotypes, b/c everyone is arabic. sure there’s the stock “cutthroat arab” character, but next to him is the very heroic and also very arabic aladdin. so instead of being the “cutthroat arab” the character becomes just the “cutthroat character”. in “princess” the villian is the big bad voodoo black dude. who tiana and naveen have to fight together. so listen little black girls, to save the day and accomplish ur dreams, ur gonna have to beat down black guys, most often teaming up with non-black guys to do so, b/c non-black guys are good, and black guys are evil.

i suppose now ppl will start saying “why are you projecting all these ideas of race onto the little kids that are watching this movie? little kids dont see race! theyre just watching a movie!” true. kids dont think about race. because this is the age that theyre LEARNING about it. much like the reason why you plunk these same kids in front of sesame street to learn their numbers and alphabet. they dont turn their learning switch off just b/c theyre watching a non-educational cartoon. or do you really think that issues of self-esteem and self-perception occur b/c one day someone says “ok. right now im gonna sit down and consciously absorb the concept of race and race relations.”

please stop being so disingenuous. or at the very least, if ur one of the women praising “princess” for raising the self-esteem and image of black girls and how it can do no wrong, please do not be the same women who lament and decry the lack of “good” black men.

–MaNishtana

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“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence … until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: miketz [gen 41:1–44:17]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

last week on “joseph: the series” [yep, im running this soap opera trope to the ground. hopefully youve all recovered from last week's drinkalong], joseph tells pharoah’s butler to remember him. which of course, he doesnt. [drink]. meanwhile, apparently pharoah’s dealer gives him some bad stuff, leading to pharoah having crazy dreams about sevens, cows, and grain, and thereby making pharoah the first first person to experience the munchies AS they were high. pharoah is still flipping out on his bad trip and making everyone worried. enter butler’s selective memory. we slip back into soap opera/fairytale mode as joseph can correctly interpret the dream, wins pharoah’s heart, goes from rags to riches, and gets the girl.

in “meanwhile, back at the ranch style” we’re reminded that everyone back home thinks joseph is fairly completely dead. also, its famine time, during which the brothers apparently spend all their time sitting around looking at each other, which completely pisses the crap out of jacob [although to be fair, that would be fairly maddening to experience even if there werent a famine or a dead/missing son in the equation]. off the brothers go to egypt where [dun!dun!dun!] joseph awaits. in an effort to “better” them and “help them atone for selling him” [uh huh. alright joseph. we'll buy ur story] joseph gives his bros the royal jerk around with prison stays, spy accusations, and other tactics brought to you by the fine ppl at guantanamo bay. he sends them home and tells them not to come back unless they also bring their youngest brother benjamin with them [who sat out on this little road trip].

the brothers go back home with the food, totally flip out when they see their money is right back in their bags, and tell jacob they cant go back for more unless they bring benjy with them. jacob says hell no…then three stomach growls later says okay, fine. so everybody ends up back in egypt and joseph holds a feast for them where he catches up, laughs a little, cries a little, pops some zoloft, and sends everybody home after hiding his cup in benjy’s bag.

when the brothers discover the cup in benjy’s bag, its right back to egypt [honestly, i think fellowship of the RING did less walking back and forth than these guys] where joseph declares that the rest of the brothers can go free…except for the cup thief. since up until now the bros were okay with joseph’s treatment b/c they figured they deserved it, once benjy starts getting flak–the only one NOT involved in the joseph liquidation sale–judah figures enough is enough, and as joseph’s servants roll out the carbonite machine, judah steps to joseph and–THEN IT ENDS.  RIGHT THERE!

a cliffhanger?? really?? what, is it sweeps week up there? trying to keep the angels at the edge of their seats? thats like if  the two towers ended just when the rohirrim show up at helm’s deep!  how can you just

–MaNishtana

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the most wonderful time…

so as chanukah winds down i thought id address something that bothers me just a lil bit:

“chrismukkah”

[sigh]

yeh, i get it. why have two separate consumeristic commercialized juggernauts when you can combine them not unlike the voltron/captain planet/power ranger cartoons of yore?

well, see…cuz these two dont exactly play nice together.  and im not just talking about the fact that one celebrates the miracle of overthrowing the greek attempt to supplant judaism versus a commeration of the birth of the dude who sparked a religion which attempt[ed]/[s]… to supplant judaism…which is oxymoronic enough in itself. no, im talking about the fact that one is kinda sorta directly responsible for the other, in a not happy fun kinda way.

so we all know the chanukah story bit, right? mattathias and his sons judah, jonathan, simon, eliezer, and, um, john. [john? really?  that's like "bob the maccabee".] anyhoo, they kick out the greeks, restore the temple, find some energy save oil and yay judaism!..but then AFTER that? well, jonathan becomes high priest, which upsets the usual priestly family and their followers. also, these followers have decided that judaism has gotten a bit too lax, so they develop this system of strict purity rules and abandon the lunar calendar for the solar one. they try to convince jonathan to follow and promote this new version of judaism to which he says no and pretty much decalres war on them and their leader, the mysterious “teacher of righteousness”.

long story short, this little sect group decide to go off to themselves and follow this “new covenant” they’ve created and when their leader the “teacher of righteousness” dies, they begin to preach that he will come back from the dead to finish his work and shortly after that the world ends.

sound like anyone we know? yep. except this is a good 150 or so yrs before our good buddy jc even comes on the scene. interestingly enough though, his parents [as well as that john the baptist dude] were all a part of this little sect, usually known as the “essenses”. apparently once j comes around, everyone realizes this whole “teacher of righteousness” deal isnt going anywhere so they decide to just repackage it, superimpose evrything from the “teacher of righteousness” [new covenant, resurrection, and all] and just dump it on him.

[and on a random sidenote: the weird solar/lunar calendar switch explains some of the loopy things in the new testament timelines. [yes the "last supper" was a seder service. no, it didnt take place during pesach, seeing as how ppl were laying down palm branches, which means it was actually around sukkot] b/c as we all know solar and lunar dates rarely meet up exactly. and especially not after 150 years.]

so essentially chanukah is the jewish celebration of the beginning of the chain of events which leads to the birth of a religion that’ll spend a good 2000 years persecuting them, the savior of which is “born” on xmas. [even tho he was really born in the spring.] celebrating them together makes as much sense as celebrating “batmanjoker day.” or some real world equivalent that makes more sense.

anyway, chag chanukah sameach

–MaNishtana

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calm before the storm…

hey guys. [sigh] yes, i realize i havent really written anything of substance in a while, but btw work and joc meetings and store updates and blog video filmings and script writing, ive really been stretched thin. but dont worry. next week ill be back and better than ever.

in the meantime, in the spirit of chanukah, let me regale you with the top 8 MaNishtana posts of 2009:

8. jewish is the new [insert non-existent color here]

7. a history of implicit violence

6. we hold these truths to be pretty obvious

5. urban parsha ekev

4. urban parsha vaetchanan

3. guess who’s coming to seder?

2. brought to you by the letter “s”

1. an open so-called letter

aaaaaaaaaand for the shamesh: the other black meat

read em over. enjoy. and ill be back on the ball next week.

chanukah sameach

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: vayeshev [gen 37:1–40:23]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

ok.  so maybe not everyone wants to admit that jews run the media. but i think we can all agree that jews definitely run hollywood. and the reason for that is b/c we’ve been nursed on apocalyptic world ending/changing michael emmerich/roland bay adventures and outlandish, improbable susan lucci-esque dramas since childhood as evidenced right here, this week, when Gd creates the soap opera as we know it. no seriously.

see, im guessing since the torah hadnt been given yet and all, that the angels had pretty much absolutely nothing to do with their time, and had taken to randomly running up and down metaphysical staircases sprinkled in with the occasional instance of them running up on ppl in the middle of the night and fighting them. so Gd’s all like, “look, y’all need to calm that ish down” and to keep their attention occupied, creates “Joseph: The Series.”

how can you say this isn’t some soap opera type nonsense? think of all the convoluted extended storyline, side character stories, lost sibling, mistaken identity, sibling rivalry, secret lover, illicit affair, wrongly accused/imprisoned underdog, rags to riches, supernatural ability, knockdown drag out fist fights of anything on Days Of Our Lives and it cant hold a candle to the next few weeks we have ahead of us. in fact, let’s make a drinking game out of this and take a shot for every soap-opera trope.

in this thrilling premiere episode, joseph, the “spoiled” nearly youngest son [drink] of jacob’s most beloved dead wife [drink] who has the power of prophetic dreams [drink] is sold into slavery by his envious siblings [drink]. at first they intend to kill him, but joseph finds an unlikely ally [drink] in reuben who says to spare his life. reuben then makes a big show of leaving with the secret intention of returning to rescue joseph from the pit [drink]. the brothers sell joseph, reuben returns just in time to be too late [drink], the brothers deceive their father into thinking his favorite son is dead [drink], and the brothers vow never to reveal their secret [drink]. joseph ends up being bought in egypt by pharoah’s damn near right hand man [drink].

meanwhile [drink], judah has an affair with his daughter in law [drink], gets her pregnant [drink], marries her [drink], has twins [drink].

returning to the main storyline in egypt [drink], joseph impresseses his new boss potiphar so much that he’s appointed head of the household [drink]. but potiphar is out of the house a lot and doesnt have any time for his wife [drink], so potiphar’s wife waits till everyone is out of the house [drink] and tries seducing joseph [drink] who runs out of the house so fast that he leaves behind the incriminating evidence of his robe [drink].  joseph is then wrongfully sent to jail [drink] where he charms the warden into making him the inside boss of the prison [drink]. whilst in prison joseph uses his dream powers [drink] to tell pharoah’s butler and baker their fates. true to joseph’s word [drink], the baker is sentenced to death and the butler is set free.

will the butler remember joseph?

find out next week!

[drink]

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: vayishlach [gen 32:4–36:43]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

seriously, what was jacob thinking? when he last left esau, the dude was trying to kill him. then he sends his son after him to rob him. what part of either one of those things screams “HEY, LEMME LET ESAU KNOW THAT IM COMING BACK! ILL SEND HIM GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND SERVANTS AND EVERYTHING.”

no, jacob. just…no.

i mean, why not just sneak back in as quietly as you left?  lets say esau did let bygones be bygones. why rile things up again?

jacob: hey esau!  im back!

esau: oh, excellent! thanks for the cattle and gold and stuff. wow havent seen you in like 22 years man. why didnt you tell me you were leaving?

jacob: dude, remember? you totally were trying to kill me.

esau: what? shut up. i was not

jacob: yeh, cuz i had stole the blessing you were supposed to get from dad–

esau: oh yeah. i do remember that. but hey, we were kids y’know and…

jacob: and besides you were like, already totally pissed that i jacked your birthright for some beans–

esau: right, right.  that too…

jacob: and yeah, you were totally bent after you went crying to dad to give you a blessing and then he didnt have one left so he just threw something together about fat or something like that and so…esau?  dude, what’s with the sword? and when did these 400 other dudes show up?

see? just not a good idea. or maybe it wasnt jacob’s fault. maybe he had asperberger’s and so couldnt pick up on socially awkward clues. i mean, he had to have been doing something so completely outrageously insensitive that esau’s frickin’ guardian angel came all the way down from heaven to run up on jacob in the middle of the night with the express purpose of tearing off jacob’s leg and beating him to death with it.

that’s serious right there.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

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