real talk parsha: yitro [ex 18:1–20:23]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

and this week we have the two greatest contributions to mankind that jews have ever made.

what?

no, not the ten commandments and the court system.  im talking about cpt and dodging child support.

“cpt”, for those not in the know, means “colored ppl time”, but it works for any brown ethnicity, really.  that indian friend you have who NEVER gets anywhere less than half an hour late? he’s on indian ppl time.  the black history month event thats two hours late to start?  its on bpt.  that trini girl who can never seem to pull it together anywhere near the neighborhood of four hours? well, she’s a woman. but anyway.

here we have israel with an appointment to speak to GD, and what happens? they get there late. b/c they’re frigging SLEEPING. smh. and so cpt is born.

meanwhile, earlier we have jethro, of whom this portion is the namesake, show up with zipporah, gershom and eliezer. remember them? nope, neither did moses apparently.  yeah, jethro pretty much gives the ye olden days equivalent of the standard “you need to take of yo kids” speech. and sure, while i guess its technically not the “dodging” we’re used to nowadays, since moses wasn’t particularly running, think about this: jethro had to find moses…in a ginormous effing desert.

well played sir. well played.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: beshalach [ex 13:17–15:26]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

manishtana fact no. 11: im a big fan of aquaman.

not so much the costume but the character. i think he’s highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential b/c its easier to write him off as a third string character. but the dude is the king arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish…of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesnt really work so much in real life. fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. thats why they die if you put too much food in the water: theyve literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. so with a power to command fish you’d really end up getting nowhere:

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: you! fish! come here!

fish: sure!

aquaman: black manta has a bomb. i need you to–

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: yes, hi, great. look, you’re gonna have to swim down to the–

fish: oh wow! hi aquaman!

aquaman: ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

fish: sure thing aquaman!

aquaman: good. now the fuse line is–

fish: hi aquaman!

see? kind of a useless power. the kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the jewish people:

israel: yay! 10 plagues! you rock moses!

moses: great! but lets hurry cuz egypt is on our backs right now.

israel: what? why is egypt trying to kill us? why dont you ever do anything GOOD for us moses? we hate you!

moses: uh, what? ok, nevermind. quick into the sea that’s splitting over here!

israel: excellent! moses you’re the best!

moses: um…thank yo–

israel: hey you got any water?

moses: not…not on me right now, n–

israel: you suck moses! i dont know we ever listened to you!

moses: what the f…*ahem*…ok look, i threw some wood into this pond here. drink.

israel: dude! thats why you’re the man moses!

moses: are you…are you guys really okay? cuz it–

israel: OMG moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

moses: how are you even—

israel: ooh! quails!

moses: okay, im really not–

israel: seriously moses, we’re HUNGRY!

moses: you cant be ser–

israel: ooh! manna!

moses: honestly, this is just ridic–

israel: got any water moses?

moses: but you just HAD–

[punches a rock]

moses: HERE! here’s ur water!

israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: heeeey moses…can i talk to you over here?

moses: sure

Gd: yeah…im gonna need you to not do that again.

moses: no problem

Gd: good. cuz, like, i will srsly kill you if you do that again.

moses: never happen again

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

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real talk parsha: bo [ex 10:1–13:16]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so, after pharaoh’s back and forth yo-yo game with moses, egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including death of the firstborn.  not sure if anyone realizes, but death of the firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. and i say this not b/c of the obvious “death” part [or b/c im a firstborn myself--shout-out to all my erev pesach siyum heads] but b/c death of the firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[audience applause]

maury: welcome back. now this is imhotep and anck-su-namun. imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son mathayus may be child of another man.  but his wife anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little mathayus is his.  let’s hear your side of the story imhotep.

imhotep: see, im an overseer, right? i spent a lot of time out of the house whipping hebrew slaves.  its my job, yknow? im just tryna take of my family, so im out of the house a lot.  then moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there’s nothing for the slaves to do and im out of a job. so i come home early and i see this ardeth bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

anck-su-namun: oh you STILL on that? it aint even like that. you just need to care of yo responsibilities. this is YO child!

[audience applause]

imhotep: whatever! whatever! you dont KNOW me!

maury: so imhotep, look at little mathayus there.

[picture of mathayus appears on screen]

[audiences "awww"s]

maury: why would anyone wanna deny that child?

imhotep: well, see, i THOUGHT he was my son.  but then i come home after that whole death of the firstborn plague? and mathayus is still alive. what the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

anck-su-namun: look, i dont even know why we here. i told you horus was watching over him.

imhotep: plz, thats that [bleep].

maury: well ive got the paternity test results right here and we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

[audience applause]

maury: imhotep…in the case of  3 yr old mathayus…you are NOT the father!

[imhotep jumps up, anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

imhotep: i TOLD you! i TOLD you!

see? keeps on giving.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect "real talk" to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. it's less "onkelos" and more "onion", get me?]

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

On Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/MaNishtana/251402920486?ref=ts

On YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/MaNishtanaTV

On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!